I’m not sure if words are going to be able to express even slightly how I feel right now. I’m in one of my raging, look at me the wrong way and I will rip your head off, kind of moods. Unfortunately, these are daily occurrences thanks to good old BPD. It’s almost as though I should have been diagnosed with clear cut bipolar disorder instead of a disorder with a bunch of little branches sprouting out other little problems combined into one. Regardless of any disorders, I am fucking pissed.
I’ve recently come to realize that my boyfriend, let’s call him Michael, and I have not been on the same page, or even the same book rather, when it comes to what we want out of a relationship. I’m not sure we even view the term “relationship” in the same light. I am the type of person who feels more comfortable connecting and identifying with someone on a deeper level than a friendship. I hate surprises of any sort, so the thought of being in the type of relationship where you’re not sure if tomorrow you will still be together or if you have finally gotten bored and you’re ready to move on, makes me want to run and hide like little kids do when they know they are about to get into trouble. Stability and consistency make me feel reassured about each aspect in my life, and that does not fall short when it comes to a relationship.
Up until I had come along, Michael’s idea of a relationship was seeing a girl about twice a week, more than likely only at night and probably on a weekend, hooking up (and yes, most of the time that meant sex), and telling the girl that he liked her but wanted to take things “slow” emotionally. This in itself should have sent the cautious little girl I am running back under my covers, but it didn’t. We have been in a relationship a total of two years and six months (minus the on and off stage in the beginning as well as the ten month period we were broken up… but more on that at another time). I changed him. At least, I thought I had.
The thing is, Michael still seems to cling onto his old habits when it comes to “flattering” a girl. Rather than wanting to spend quality time with me, he wants to constantly be around his friends and expects that I consider this “bonding” time for our relationship. Let me just say that I have absolutely no issue with the fact that he likes to be around his friends. The biggest personality trait about him that struck me most was always the fact that he was so sociable. What has me so revved up is that when I ask to spend time with him (more than sitting in my room when it’s ten o’clock at night, listening to him slowly fall asleep) he acts as though I’m suffocating him with my presence. He will shout things such as, “I just spent all day with you on…” or “Oh so me coming home at nighttime doesn’t count then?” Even if he does ask me to accompany him to spend time with him and his friends, it in turn actually makes me more angry due to the fact that not a day goes by that he does not see them.
He works maybe three days a week, and his shifts are usually no more than five hours long. Most of the week I am at work and most of my shifts are throughout the daytime. This gives Michael almost all the free time in the world to spend with his friends, and trust me, he definitely does. He will wake up in the morning around 10 a.m. and most of the time I am already at work. By noon, I know he is in the nearest town hanging out with his buddies. Usually when I get off work around 5 or so, and sometimes even 9 at night, he still chooses to spend more time with his friends instead of wanting to come and see me. On the days when he does work, he will spend all day with his friends beforehand, then directly after, he proceeds back to his routine.
Am I wrong for getting upset about this? He makes me feel as though I am insane for feeling like I’m second best, but honestly, it’s hard not to. I love his friends, and most of them I consider my close friends as well, but all the time he chooses to spend with them over me has made me bitter, and I hate that I have become this way.
I’m not sure which road I should take. I’m always afraid of picking the wrong one. But I’m not sure I can let myself be put on the back burner any longer.