Have you ever gone through an entire day where you spent the majority of your time checking off task after task on your to-do list, yet when you reached the end and you are lying in bed in your most comfortable pajamas you feel as though you accomplished almost nothing? Today, for example, I was in complete overdrive due to the endless amount of work that was placed upon my shoulders. I’m not sure how I even got the opportunity to breathe, let alone get the work that is normally required of me done. It was as though I was a ball of rubber bands that someone put in their sling shot, aimed me in the direction of my towering pile of work, and released me with such intensity that it was nearly impossible to get me to stop bouncing around. Honestly, I can scarcely remember my night in any sort of detail other than lists upon lists of unfinished work. Despite all that was expected of me in the short period of time given, I accomplished more than I’m sure anyone else on my staff would have come close to. Why, then, am I sitting here with the gnawing feeling of emptiness, dissatisfaction, and laziness? Why is it that I feel as if I accomplished nothing?
I want to feel proud of the work I do, no matter how big or small. I always find myself second-guessing each decision I make, even after others attempt to reassure me that I always go above and beyond what is expected of myself and others. I have always been the type of person who feels extreme happiness when someone praises me on my hard work. I know, who doesn’t like being admired for something they do? But it’s almost as though I need to hear I did a good job each and every time I do something that exceeds others expectations of me, otherwise I feel like a complete and total failure.
I feel this way in almost every aspect of my life. I’m also the type of person who enjoys putting time into my appearance. Everything from my clothes and accessories, to my hair and makeup, I work my hardest to perfect. Most of the time, I will receive compliments on one thing or another, but if I don’t get complimented on something I was especially proud of, I am instantly miserable and feel as though the time I put into everything was wasted and pointless.
It’s so physically and mentally draining trying to please everyone when I don’t even know how to please myself. I’m not really sure there has ever been a moment where I have looked at something I’ve done and thought, “I could not have done this any better, and I am so happy with the outcome.” Maybe my problem is due to the fact that my life has become merely nothing but a to-do list that I just keep checking off. Maybe my problem is I need to learn to let go of my attraction to routine. Whatever the problem may be, I have no solutions.