I’m not quite sure what’s wrong with me today. Actually, that’s a lie. I’ve been feeling so inadequate lately that it’s slipping me back into that black hole depression.
Have you ever woken up one morning and the mere sound of another person’s breath is enough to set you off the wall? Yesterday morning, it was as if everything and anything was making me so outraged. This isn’t an abnormal thing for me, however.
It seems to be almost a routine I’ve created with my mood swings. But I can’t honestly say I know the exact moment or day when my next meltdown will be. If that were the case, I’m sure I would have my shit together by now.
Let me go more in depth about my feeling of inadequacy. Every time I do something that is out of the thoughts of others, or do work that is more than expected of me, I get no recognition. It’s not that I’m one to kneel down and beg for attention and praise. But once you’ve gone without any amount of either, you start to feel like maybe the things you do aren’t really that special. This only starts the vicious cycle of self hate that I seem to know so well.
Maybe this is all stemming from the fact that I feel so fucking lonely lately. I have people who love me, yes, this I won’t deny; but I feel that maybe I’ve exhausted all of them with my negativity. Lately, I’ll begin to write out a text to a friend about how I’m feeling, only to erase it and never mention it to them. I don’t want to be a nuisance and I don’t want them expecting I want pity.
I guess what I really want is just to have someone listen…