Trapped

I feel trapped. I’m almost certain the air around me has gotten so thick that I swear it’s nearly suffocating trying to breathe. The walls around me are definitely caving in, I promise you. The only reason you don’t see it too, is because I’m trapped within myself.

My body has become a prison. My skin has formed into the bars that are keeping me locked in with nowhere to run. I want to burst through my own body and not look back.

So what’s the alternative? Offing myself would surely do the trick. Seems simple enough: few moments of physical pain in trade for a lifetime without hurt. So many people do it that it’s almost become a sick trend.

Why not just do it then, right? It always sounds so much easier than the actual action itself. In the heat of the moment, when I’m completely fed up with life and the buckets of shit it keeps sending me, there’s nothing I’d love to so more than cut a little deeper… maybe grab that shower curtain and tighten it around my neck.

But then there’s no turning back. There’s no tomorrow. No more friends. No more family. No anything. You’re gone. Obsolete.

I don’t feel worthy of this life I have. I don’t deserve this air or the nourishment that keeps me going, but I still make myself wake up everyday. Because as hard as it is wanting to be done with this emotional roller coaster, it seems so much harder to just not be at all.

That doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of myself and the actions I may take on myself in moments when I lose complete control. BPD still haunts me… yet it still wants to keep me around.

I just want out of this cell… one way or another.

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2 thoughts on “Trapped

  1. I just found your blog today and this post right here details years of my life. It kind of gives me good bumps remembering moments (too many to count) when I had these same thoughts. I still battle it at 36 and it pisses me off. thank you though for being so candid. I gotta say though the usual cliche of being glad to not be alone is not comforting here. I do wish no I was alone in these thoughts as they are so solitary and lonesome.

    1. I couldn’t agree with you more. Even though we are never truly “alone” in a situation because there is someone out there fighting a similar battle, the gnawing ache of loneliness in a crowded room is almost unbearable at times. I just want to see some light in my life, not a mere glimmer of hope that fades the second one thing goes wrong. Thank you for your support! Just knowing someone else understands is enough comfort for me.

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