I’m fairly sure I have no one.
No one to talk to at least. Truthfully, I feel as though this blank white page is all I have left to go to for some sort of comfort. The only downfall? The blank white page can’t talk back. And god, I need someone to talk back.
I tried talking to my best friend of almost nine years about my problems of the day and she basically let it go in one ear and out the other. Hell, I don’t even know if she actually listened to anything I said. At first, she responded to my problems but after the next thing I said, all she said was “I wish you would’ve came up here!” That’s it. Nothing at all about anything I had said.
It’s not as though I was looking for anyone to give me a life changing speech that would move me to rid myself of all this negativity. All I wanted was some empathy, someone to just TRY to understand. But now I’m starting to think either A) no one understands or B) no one really cares.
Don’t get me wrong– I have an adequate amount of friends, but not the type you can just call up and spill your deepest and darkest thoughts to. Not even my own boyfriend gives a shit to listen.
Actually, I’m fairly sure he doesn’t even like me for me, but instead my looks. I know he thinks he can’t do better, but that’s not because his looks. I KNOW he treats me like a pile of dog shit. I know I shouldn’t stay here and get scolded for things I didn’t do, or things that aren’t wrong. I honestly don’t know why I do stay.
But the point is, if someone who is supposed to love me more than he loves himself doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m battling, then why would anyone else? I seriously just want to cry. All.of.the.time.
I’m so so so lonely. I can feel it in my heart. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I don’t to keep fighting this war alone. I feel so stuck, and I feel like I’m crumbling at the same time.
My heart hurts so bad. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who or where to turn to. Why did I get put into this life? Why is it so hard? I’m not blaming the world for my problems. Or other people for that matter.
But even when I tried changing all the things that were noticeably bringing me down, I still wasn’t happy. What if I never will be?