Beginning

I’m not quite sure how others

have mastered the art of defeating

any and all insecurities they carry.

 

I am as simple as they come

I have not been blessed with any special talents

except the ability to look perfectly composed

even though inside I struggle between

falling apart and fighting to stay together.

 

Between the damages of who I once was

and the fire burning slowly at what’s left

lies a side of me that is too afraid

to be exposed, in fear of once known,

it too will be devoured by the selfish needs of others.

 

I don’t know why the sound of your voice

or the feel of your hands on me

somehow pieces me back together

a little more each day and I’m not sure why

the moment your body touches mine,

I want more and more until  I have all of you.

 

But as I pull you in, worry begins to creep out,

The never ending self doubt that sits and waits

until the side of me I hide becomes curious with hope.

 

In my head dances the images of defeat

and once again I’m left questioning

any and all actions you display.

 

I’m not sure what it is about the way

your eyes pull me back down to earth

or how it is you have managed to tame

the voice inside me that has told me

I would never be led to you and your arms

 

But as I breathe into your chest,

I have never been more myself

than in those moments.

 

 

I wrote this around the time I first began dating the person I am with right now.  I honestly don’t find myself to be great at writing in this format, but I always see it on Pinterest and thought, “Hell, might as well try.”  I truly credit him a lot for helping me find the light within myself that I thought had diminished.  And no, it is not one of those things where the girl relies on the guy to fulfill the happiness she can’t seem to find for herself.

When you watch someone be so passionate and appreciative for everything in their life, it sends a “vibe” in a way that in turn makes YOU want to be the best person you can possibly be.  When someone doesn’t use your weaknesses and flaws against you, but instead only recognizes the amazing potential you hold, you yourself begin to see all these wonderful gifts you can offer to yourself and others.

I have never felt so completely myself than I have at this time in my life.  For what seemed like an eternity, I could never see further than the day in front of me.  Even then, each approaching day seemed so grim and lackluster.  I honestly could not picture my future; I could only wonder if  I would ever truly find myself or experience what true happiness is.

I have plans, for once. I’m finally allowing myself to explore things that scare me because I know it can only help to expand my possibilities and help me to grow.  I am moving to Sweden for five months.  What the HELL?!  Never in my life would I have imagined this happening.  For a while I had convinced myself I would forever stay in my annoyingly cliche small town; where everyone knows your business but ignores you when passing you on the street.

When he first brought up the subject of Sweden, my first 100 reactions were, “I could never! No I just can’t do that. My life is here. I want you to go and do what’s best for you, but I just don’t think I could.”  But he was persistent, and was set on convincing me.  I believe the more he helped me find myself, the more my eyes began to open.  And I am so ready to conquer a completely new life. Scared? You aren’t shitting me.  But it’s an amazing feeling being scared sometimes.  So I’m embracing being scared for once, just like I embraced it when I allowed myself to open up to him.

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