Time

Time is passing by like the buzz of speeding traffic and while I can see its beauty, I am amazed by how the days are all a blur. It blows my mind how each day holds the exact same number of hours, the exact same minutes and seconds as the day before it, yet some days feel like an eternity while others are gone before you get the chance to even realize what day it is. It’s as though the older you get, the faster time passes you by and you’re left amazed at how many weeks turn into months and how many months turn into years. Part of me feels a sort of nostalgic sadness in this realization, but for the most part I am overwhelmed with happiness.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be where I’m at in my life. There are certainly things I am disappointed I haven’t accomplished by now, but I have expanded in many more ways than I could ever fathom and that allows me to breathe easier. I believe very few people have led their lives on the exact same path with the exact same plans as when they were eight, eighteen, thirty, or even 100. Sure, there are certain aspirations and dreams that have remained their importance and goal in life, but the who’s, what’s, where’s, and when’s always adjust according to the choices each of us make. We all know this.

I’m honestly glad I have had multiple dreams for where I wanted my life to go. It shows that I obviously aspire to accomplish different goals I set in every aspect of my life, but also without building any anticipation in myself, I would not be equipped to endure disappointments and in turn I would not be able to overcome those pitfalls. I had to dip my toe into careers that in some way peaked my interest to be able to find out that writing is what I truly love to do even though it does not offer a guarantee in the most wealthy lifestyle. Psychology allowed me a better understanding of the many types of personalities I will encounter throughout life. Nursing opened my eyes in terms of respect for others and how to have patience with those I wanted to help. Teaching, well, that taught me I never in a million years could put up with half the shit teachers are put through. Had I told myself one of those options were the ONLY option, I would not have an understanding on my true passions and would more than likely be sitting on my porch at 70 years old, not truly satisfied with myself.

In so many aspects of my life I have been tested to make one decision or another, ultimately leading me to where I am today. Those who know me on a more personal level know aside from writing, my undoubting and ultimate satisfaction comes from loving fully and unconditionally, whether that be pertaining to family, friends, or lovers. I was never the type of girl who bounced from one guy to another after spending only a short amount of time becoming intimate with them. Once I have committed myself to someone, I invest myself fully into them and will remain loyal until we are ashes left on the ground. I have never loved halfway. I always love as fully as I possibly can and it has taught me so many useful things in life. However, each time I have loved someone, I never loved them the same as the last person. Through and through, my personal viewpoints on love have stayed the same, but it took learning what I can and can not accept in another person.

I can honestly say the love that I feel for the person I am with right now is ultimately the best love I have ever been in. It has provided me with so much satisfaction every single day without having to compromise the things I have always wanted in a relationship. At the same time, it has made me compromise in ways that are necessary to make the relationship work. I have never been so comfortable with someone to the point where never at any moment I have felt the need to hide the filthy parts of my soul or the embarrassing traits about myself, like the way I sing the most ridiculous self-made songs or the corky voices I have. For once I feel like I not only can be myself, but become my full potential. Each time I have loved, I felt a need to sacrifice some part of myself to accommodate what the latter lacked. Compromise in relationships is necessary, however compromising some part of who you are is never healthy.

Healthy relationships inspire you to grow. They put a certain motivation in you that makes you never want to let that person down, or yourself. The time I spent investing into the ones that were so wrong for me I do not regret because if I had never put all of myself into trying to make it work, no matter how mentally and physically draining it was, I would never know what I wanted in another person and I sure as hell would not be able to fully appreciate the relationship I am in today. So I can honestly say that I do not regret the time I invested in each failed relationship, nor do I really look at them as failures.

So here I sit, almost 23 years old and I am completely astonished at where my life has led me. At one point, I thought by now I’d be a married nurse and possibly taking care of a child. A year ago I was completely and totally lost. So lost to the point where I was unsure if I’d even have a future let alone such a bright one. A year ago, I swear today was never in my wildest imagination. But here I am, in Sweden with a guy I could have never dreamt of being more perfect for me. I am living a dream most other people would die for and I am so grateful for the time it took to get me here. Time is a wonderful thing and I will cherish every second, every minute, every hour it offers me.

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