An Open Letter To An Ex-Bestfriend

Dear Former Friend of Mine,
I know you’re probably still confused as to what made me just turn my back on our friendship and not look back. From the last text I received from you, I could tell you were both bothered by my decision and pissed off by it at the same time. I know I didn’t offer an explanation, but honestly I don’t feel as though it needed one. At times I feel like I abandoned you in your time of need, and then I remember that you didn’t necessarily need me as much as you needed anyone in general giving you reassurance and attention. I think my overly compassionate nature is the main reason I held onto our friendship for as long as I did, but a person can only have so much to give.

I can’t lie and say that you were never there for me in my time of need. There were definitely times when you had the capability to be a truly amazing and supportive friend, however your inconsistency of doing so made me angry and bitter whenever I was endlessly your crying shoulder. It was so hard to not respond to your text stating how you couldn’t deal with the way I handle thing so childishly. So badly I wanted to laugh in your face and point out the countless times you have showcased your inability to act in a mature manner, not only to me, but to pretty much anyone in your life. But I felt as though doing so would have been the childish thing to do. Also, I knew that by responding to you would only initiate you to fly off your handle and start attacking me with the secrets I have shared with you that leave me feeling most vulnerable.

That’s the thing about you. While you display yourself as a trustworthy person, any time we had an argument that would turn volatile despite my best efforts to avoid rising the beast that is your temper, you would immediately use things against me no true friend would. I can recall a time when you used my depression to try to demean me. You used the very thing I struggled with my entire life to make you feel powerful and validated in some way, something I never in a million years would have done to you. Yet, despite all of the times when you have attacked me with the most hurtful words to ever pour out of someone’s mouth that you thought you could trust, I would accept your apologies, whether it was an hour or a year later.

But, I guess that’s my own fault. That’s the thing about me, you see. It’s so hard for me to turn my back on someone even when they have hurt me to the very core. Even after you took me in when I needed you most, gave me shelter and helped me back on my feet, all it took was one day of not spending time with you to set you off and kick me out into the street. And after we apologized and became best friends again, it was never long until the next irrelevant action fired you up to the core and gave you a false sense of entitlement. You never really took the time to understand, and I guess that’s partially in fact because you never had the respect for other people that they would try to give to you. I mean, how can you expect someone to respect you when they don’t even respect their own parents?

You had a problem with jumping to conclusions instead of doing the mature thing and confronting someone about an issue that bothered you and solving it as calmly as possible. Instead of saying how you felt excluded from my life whenever I was in a relationship, you immediately would belittle me and make it seem as though I was being such an awful friend and person. However, whenever you would get into a relationship, you could turn completely M.I.A. and I never once made you feel guilty for it because I understood that you wanted to spend time with that person. I knew that didn’t mean I meant less to you. It’s because I understood, a feature you seemed to lack.

I know you’re probably thinking, “That was all in the past, we have moved along from it.” I know you’re thinking those have since been swept under the rug and we had moved on. But while I was maturing and understanding what it takes to make a friendship work, you were stuck in a mindset that would be better suited from those in high school. When a friend asks another friend for advice, being completely honest while supportive is the characteristics of a true friend. Telling you what you want to hear, when I feel a different way that I feel would benefit you did not make me an unsupportive friend to you. Any time you came to me for advice, I would give you my most sincere opinion and it was always as if it went in one ear and out the other. While I have had many other friends do that, it’s different in the sense that you never really appreciated the love and support I gave you. Instead, you took it as me attacking you and talking down on you, instead of realizing I would rather be honest because I wanted what was best for you.

My frustration began to boil when I would bend backwards for you time and time again when you were in tears, or even simply having a minor freak out, but never got the same respect from you. When things were good in your life, I never heard from you. When things were bad, and mostly due to when you were talking to a guy who hadn’t answered you in thirty minutes, you would immediately run to me and I would be there with open arms. Like I said before, there have definitely been times you were there for me, and as much as I don’t want to discredit those times, it was only ever really when things in your life were going good, otherwise I felt as though I was “stealing your thunder” and needed to shift the focus to you so I didn’t feel like a bad friend.

Last time we talked, I gave you my honest opinion on a current relationship regarding how I wish you didn’t settle for whatever they have to offer you, even if you don’t feel like what they’re offering you is enough. Last time I talked to you, I told you to please realize you can’t be with someone who wants different things than you, and by changing what you want to accommodate them will only disappoint you in the end. Last time I talked to you, you got pissed because I explained that I wanted you to be happy. Last time I talked to you, I also reassured you that as long as you were happy, I’d be happy. Last time I talked to you, that wasn’t the answer you were looking for. Last time I talked to you, I guess you wanted me to lie through my teeth about my honest opinion. And that’s why it was the last time I talked to you.

Because that’s not the kind of friend I am. That’s not the kind of friend I will ever be. If you want a friend who will butter you up with things that make you feel good instead of giving you a dose of any kind of reality, I hope you find them. I just hope you also understand that that is not a true friendship and you will forever be blinded by your delusions of the perfect world you want to live in.

Former friend, I ultimately wish the best for you. But I also wish the best for me, which is why I couldn’t stay in our volatile friendship anymore.

Sincerely,
Your Former “Best Friend”

A Little Rant

While mindlessly scrolling through one social media site to another, my boredom tends to lead me to many things that catch my interest whether that be statuses, videos, pictures, or articles. A lot of articles that catch my immediate attention, aside from anything involving animals or a catchy and hilarious meme, are usually on love and romance. However, most of the time while reading through these articles, I usually tend to stop half way through and can’t help but to roll my eyes due to narrow minded opinions they are laced with. While there have been some I have read that I can relate to on many levels, most of the time they are either focused solely on saying either how one kind of love is better than another, or it’s the debate of the “singles vs. couples”.

On one side, you’ll see things written such as, “be with someone who makes you breakfast every morning, tells you you’re beautiful five times a day, rubs your back without asking, etc, etc.” These articles upset me because, while those things may be important to some people, that isn’t the type of thing EVERY ONE should look for in a relationship, and also those just scream unrealistic expectations to me. On the other side, you’ll see well thought out articles about how you shouldn’t be “wasting” your twenties spent being in a relationship, or how you SHOULD be in a relationship, because nothing is better than experiencing things with another person. But why does it have to be one side or the other? Why do you have to be shamed for being in a relationship, or for being single for that matter?

So I suppose I’m here to say, FUCK all of those articles. Seriously, they all suck some serious ass. And here’s why…

You should know what you want out of a relationship. You should definitely have an idea of what you’re looking for in another person because if you just aimlessly date without gaining any knowledge about what you want and what you don’t want, it’s honestly just pointless. Also, instead of being validated about being single by articles that explain why it’s “so much better” that you’re alone, just REALIZE IT FOR YOURSELF. The same goes for articles trying to validate why being in a relationship is so much better because some people genuinely don’t want to be in a relationship. And hey.. guess what?? THAT IS OKAY!

So instead of being with someone who makes you breakfast every morning, be with someone who you want to SPEND breakfast with. Instead of being with someone who tells you how beautiful you are numerous times a day, be with someone who MAKES YOU FEEL beautiful every single day. Be with someone who makes you feel whole, someone who makes you smile from ear to ear. Be with someone who loves the goofy and annoying things about you. Be with someone who pushes your limits and makes you want to try new things if you’ve always wanted to be more open. Or, be with someone who finds comfort in sitting at home with you relaxing day in and day out because that is WHO YOU ARE and you aren’t very adventurous. Be with someone who wants to understand you when you need to be understood. Be with someone who listens to you if you need to talk. Be with someone who wants the same things out of life as you do. If you want children some day, be with someone who undoubtedly wants children some day as well. If you don’t want to ever be married, but still believe in love, be with someone who will love you unconditionally without the title of marriage because they want the same thing.

The most important thing about love that I think a lot of people tend to not be able to accept is that although we can have strong feelings for someone, that doesn’t mean that it’s an everlasting love that will defy all odds. I think that if you’re open and honest with YOURSELF about what you want and what you need in a relationship, you will find that. I believe so many people will “fall in love” with someone knowing full and well that they either aren’t emotionally on the same level, or ultimately want completely different things out of life than them. And in those situations, you are only setting yourself up for a letdown. And while the relationship can last for many, many years and quite possibly your entire life, you won’t have the same satisfaction from it if you “settle” for someone else’s expectations and put yours to the side to accommodate the other person, or to not lose them, when in reality by doing so, you’re losing yourself and forgetting about your desires.

I was once in a three year relationship that was extremely volatile. When we were good, we were great, but when we were bad, it was scary. While we got along and had the same sense of humor and enjoyed each other’s company, our biggest problems were the most important as well. I have always been the type of person who, when I grew up, wanted to get married and have 3-5 children. I have always wanted someone who is open and willing to discuss things with me. I wanted someone who was VERY involved with their family and wanted to be involved in mine. He did not want these things, and since we were young, we didn’t think that was a problem. Well, after three years, you have to start to wonder, “What are we doing in this relationship? Where is this ultimately going to go?” And many times I tried discussing this with him and he thought that love is the only important thing in a relationship and that’s what keeps two people together. While love is obviously extremely important, wanting the same things from each other and having the same morals is even more important because it keeps the love strong and real. Many times I tried explaining to him that it wasn’t fair for him to change his wants to accommodate mine, just like it wasn’t fair for me to do the same. Too many arguments later, I realized that we were not going to be satisfied with either of our lives 20 to 30 years down the road, so I ultimately ended the relationship. Flash forward to today. I am with someone who has met my expectations and even more. Each day I wake up and I feel more and more blessed to have him in my life. Not once have I ever doubted that we want the same things from each other. He loves my family just as much as he loves his. Ultimately, he wants to be married and have children at some point in his life. He laughs with me, supports me, discusses things with me, and truly makes me feel fulfilled today and makes me feel confident that I will be fulfilled with him in the future.

Changing your life’s goals is never a healthy thing to do when it comes to a relationship and that is what tears apart couples so much and I think makes people pick the “singles vs. couples” side. If you’re in a happy relationship, I think it’s easier to say why you SHOULD be in a relationship because of how fulfilling it truly can be. But that doesn’t mean that we should shame those who find complete and total satisfaction in being single. That doesn’t mean those of us in relationships should look at the actions of those who are single and state whether it’s right or wrong. I truly don’t care if one of my friends would rather be single until they’re 30 or 40 years old. Or if they enjoy hooking up with a different person every week. If that is what they want, then have at it. I would rather them be honest with themselves instead of conforming to what other people say and ultimately being in a relationship when that isn’t what they want at all. Also, for those looking for a relationship, it’s not fair to go for someone who clearly has no interest in one and make them feel as though they need to change that part about them because they should be with you. Forcing someone to commit to a relationship when they aren’t in that mindset, and may never be, will only lead to failure 90% of the time.

But the same goes for single people. Shaming people for being in a relationship is no better than shaming someone for being a lifelong bachelor, or bachelorette. One thing I can not stand is that single friend who will be around someone who is in a relationship and make snide comments like, “Man you’re the lame one in a relationship. You got that ball and chain. You’re tied down. Maybe if you weren’t in a relationship, you’d be more fun.” That is in no way making you look any “cooler” for being single. Neither does saying shit like, “I don’t need a man because I got myself. I’d rather be single and not be told what to do. I’m fine alone and don’t need someone else to make me feel good.” Just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they are any less fun to be around and it certainly doesn’t mean they are weighed down by their relationship. Just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they NEED someone to make them feel complete; it doesn’t mean they are ever told what to do. A healthy relationship doesn’t make you feel weighed down or restricted in any way, so making someone who is in a healthy and happy relationship feel as though they are somewhat less of the person they were before the relationship, only speaks poorly on you and not them.

So instead, why don’t we focus on what we want from ourselves and others? Why don’t we focus on being happy with OUR choices instead of talking someone down about theirs? Why don’t we condone people for doing what is making them happy instead of telling them HOW they SHOULD be happy? And stop reading articles about what’s better and what you should be looking for in your partner. Feel comfortable in your choices. Know what you want from someone and don’t change that. And that is love advice from me, you’re welcome.

An Update

I just got back from a walk and it’s amazing how much better it can make me feel. I have been sinking into a sort of slump lately and I can’t allow that to happen. I’ve been trying to find things to do to occupy my time more productively rather than watching one mind-numbing TV show after another.

Let me state, I love Sweden and I feel so extremely blessed to have been given this opportunity. However, I have been feeling lonely lately due to the fact that Andrew works all of the time for the football team and my time is spent mostly sitting in our apartment waiting for him to come home. I knew before we came that I was going to be spending a lot of time alone due to the fact that he told me he would have to spend a lot of time on football, I just thought there would be more things to keep my occupied.

While I have made friends here, most of them are from the football team and the one girl that I have become close to works all the time and the only time I can really see her is the few times I can actually spend with Andrew. I honestly just thought that I would make a plentiful of close friends while I have been here, but the cultural difference from the United States puts quite the hinder on that.

Let me state that Swedes are extremely friendly people who are more than willing to lend a helping hand whenever you need it. I have never met people who are more accepting of a person than I have since I have been here, it’s just when it comes to making friends, Swedes are extremely reserved. In the United States, while I’m considered to be outgoing, I am also considered slightly shy as compared to a lot of other people. In Sweden, I am considered EXTREMELY outgoing. The few times I have been able to meet new people outside of the football club is when we’ve all been out and drunk. Swedes are completely different people when they drink. They will laugh and talk to you like you have been friends forever, but the next day, they will act like you two are from a different planet and their wall tends to go right back up. Like I said, they are very friendly people, they just have a tendency to say in their comfort zone when it comes to friendships.

I think that has been the roughest thing about being here. I am so used to having friends to call up when I’m bored back home on the drop of a dime, whether we just met two weeks ago, or have been friends for two years. I spend a lot of my time here cleaning or waiting for Andrew to get home from work and it has made me feel like I’m not really myself. But I honestly don’t want to wish my time away while I am here. I am so used to working 24/7, and when I was in school full time I was also working full time. I remember wishing for even just a week off for relaxation, but now I’m wishing for work. I know that once I’m back and get back into a schedule of working and being busy, I’ll be wishing for my time here back, so I’m making the most of it as much as I can. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for this experience, because I truly am thankful that I have been given this opportunity and had Andrew brought into my life. I do believe it has made me grow as a person and has made Andrew and I grow as a couple.

I can’t lie, though. The anticipation I have to be back home and be reunited with my family and friends has me anxious beyond belief. I can’t wait to be home and see my mother’s face in person after six months because this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing her. FaceTime has been a savior for me because I’m sure without it, I would have gone insane by now. I can’t wait to be home and feel my father’s embrace. Due to the fact that he doesn’t own a computer and our phones aren’t compatible, we have not been able to Skype or FaceTime, so it has been extremely hard not seeing his face at all. I think about seeing my nieces and nephews for the first time in months and it brings tears to my eyes. Hearing that my oldest nephew gets upset that I am not home, because it’s not the same without me, makes me heart break since we are so close. He’s my little buddy and I know once we see each other, we won’t be able to hold back the tears. I can’t wait to see my newest nephew once I get home since my sister is due in August. I can’t wait to hug and kiss all of my friends, but especially Lexi, Alex, and Shantell. They have been my biggest supporters throughout all of this and despite the distance, they have shown me what true friendship means.

And lastly, and probably most importantly, I can’t wait to see my dog, Zeke. I know, I know.. he’s just a dog, but I truly can’t express how much he has changed my life in so many different ways. It’s truly amazing how a canine can take you from the lowest point in your life, to finding extreme happiness again. For “just a dog” he made me take responsibility not only for him, but for myself. Being apart from him has been the hardest thing ever for me. After struggling from so many things from depression to extreme anxiety, he turned it all around and restored hope in me. Anytime I ever felt low, he instinctively knew and would make it his sole mission to make me smile. I swear, a little person lies inside of him. Not to mention, the love Andrew has for him made me fall in love with Andrew even more. We both look at a picture of him every day and feel a mixture of happiness and sadness, because we love and miss him so much.

On my walk, I took in all of my surroundings and felt truly thankful for everything in my life. I feel so blessed and full of love. I hate when I allow myself to feel anything else because I allow simple, meaningless negativity to enter my mind and manifest into something it shouldn’t. I felt all of the beauty around me and I am making a promise to myself to not complain about loneliness or boredom the next two months. Because ten years from now, I don’t want to look back and regret not taking full advantage of this opportunity.

Shouldn’t Feel This Way

I shouldn’t feel this way. Twenty-three years old and I should have accepted myself by now. Twenty-three and I should at least be able to look in the mirror without getting stuck for hours just staring at all of my imperfections, wishing they were gone. And yet, here I am.

Twenty-three and still hating all that stares back at me in my reflection. Twenty-three and still reverting back to my old habits of restricting my food intake because “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips” rings like a melody in my head. I shouldn’t feel this way.

Because being stuck in this cycle of vicious self hatred does nothing but tear me down. And even when I have the strength to build myself up, I am swallowed back down by one measly thought that doesn’t seem so negative until it turns into a tornado, wrecking all of the strength within myself I have built over all this time.

I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t be pinching the fat sitting upon my hips and on my stomach, wishing it would disappear. I shouldn’t think the easiest solution is to deprive myself of nutrition because past history has shown that all though it is effect in making me skinny, it’s never enough. And I’ll want more. And I’ll become so obsessed that any amount of food put into my stomach will feel as though it’s ripping me from the inside out and I will feel forced to bring it out against its will.

Twenty-three and I shouldn’t be obsessing over wrinkles and dark circles. Twenty-three and I shouldn’t be wanting to change the things that, ten years from now I’ll be wishing looked like they did when I was twenty-three. Twenty-three and I shouldn’t be getting so upset over the fact that my eyes, jaw, breasts, ass cheeks, anything on my body, aren’t perfectly symmetrical.

I’m twenty-three, when will this all be over? I shouldn’t feel this way.