While mindlessly scrolling through one social media site to another, my boredom tends to lead me to many things that catch my interest whether that be statuses, videos, pictures, or articles. A lot of articles that catch my immediate attention, aside from anything involving animals or a catchy and hilarious meme, are usually on love and romance. However, most of the time while reading through these articles, I usually tend to stop half way through and can’t help but to roll my eyes due to narrow minded opinions they are laced with. While there have been some I have read that I can relate to on many levels, most of the time they are either focused solely on saying either how one kind of love is better than another, or it’s the debate of the “singles vs. couples”.
On one side, you’ll see things written such as, “be with someone who makes you breakfast every morning, tells you you’re beautiful five times a day, rubs your back without asking, etc, etc.” These articles upset me because, while those things may be important to some people, that isn’t the type of thing EVERY ONE should look for in a relationship, and also those just scream unrealistic expectations to me. On the other side, you’ll see well thought out articles about how you shouldn’t be “wasting” your twenties spent being in a relationship, or how you SHOULD be in a relationship, because nothing is better than experiencing things with another person. But why does it have to be one side or the other? Why do you have to be shamed for being in a relationship, or for being single for that matter?
So I suppose I’m here to say, FUCK all of those articles. Seriously, they all suck some serious ass. And here’s why…
You should know what you want out of a relationship. You should definitely have an idea of what you’re looking for in another person because if you just aimlessly date without gaining any knowledge about what you want and what you don’t want, it’s honestly just pointless. Also, instead of being validated about being single by articles that explain why it’s “so much better” that you’re alone, just REALIZE IT FOR YOURSELF. The same goes for articles trying to validate why being in a relationship is so much better because some people genuinely don’t want to be in a relationship. And hey.. guess what?? THAT IS OKAY!
So instead of being with someone who makes you breakfast every morning, be with someone who you want to SPEND breakfast with. Instead of being with someone who tells you how beautiful you are numerous times a day, be with someone who MAKES YOU FEEL beautiful every single day. Be with someone who makes you feel whole, someone who makes you smile from ear to ear. Be with someone who loves the goofy and annoying things about you. Be with someone who pushes your limits and makes you want to try new things if you’ve always wanted to be more open. Or, be with someone who finds comfort in sitting at home with you relaxing day in and day out because that is WHO YOU ARE and you aren’t very adventurous. Be with someone who wants to understand you when you need to be understood. Be with someone who listens to you if you need to talk. Be with someone who wants the same things out of life as you do. If you want children some day, be with someone who undoubtedly wants children some day as well. If you don’t want to ever be married, but still believe in love, be with someone who will love you unconditionally without the title of marriage because they want the same thing.
The most important thing about love that I think a lot of people tend to not be able to accept is that although we can have strong feelings for someone, that doesn’t mean that it’s an everlasting love that will defy all odds. I think that if you’re open and honest with YOURSELF about what you want and what you need in a relationship, you will find that. I believe so many people will “fall in love” with someone knowing full and well that they either aren’t emotionally on the same level, or ultimately want completely different things out of life than them. And in those situations, you are only setting yourself up for a letdown. And while the relationship can last for many, many years and quite possibly your entire life, you won’t have the same satisfaction from it if you “settle” for someone else’s expectations and put yours to the side to accommodate the other person, or to not lose them, when in reality by doing so, you’re losing yourself and forgetting about your desires.
I was once in a three year relationship that was extremely volatile. When we were good, we were great, but when we were bad, it was scary. While we got along and had the same sense of humor and enjoyed each other’s company, our biggest problems were the most important as well. I have always been the type of person who, when I grew up, wanted to get married and have 3-5 children. I have always wanted someone who is open and willing to discuss things with me. I wanted someone who was VERY involved with their family and wanted to be involved in mine. He did not want these things, and since we were young, we didn’t think that was a problem. Well, after three years, you have to start to wonder, “What are we doing in this relationship? Where is this ultimately going to go?” And many times I tried discussing this with him and he thought that love is the only important thing in a relationship and that’s what keeps two people together. While love is obviously extremely important, wanting the same things from each other and having the same morals is even more important because it keeps the love strong and real. Many times I tried explaining to him that it wasn’t fair for him to change his wants to accommodate mine, just like it wasn’t fair for me to do the same. Too many arguments later, I realized that we were not going to be satisfied with either of our lives 20 to 30 years down the road, so I ultimately ended the relationship. Flash forward to today. I am with someone who has met my expectations and even more. Each day I wake up and I feel more and more blessed to have him in my life. Not once have I ever doubted that we want the same things from each other. He loves my family just as much as he loves his. Ultimately, he wants to be married and have children at some point in his life. He laughs with me, supports me, discusses things with me, and truly makes me feel fulfilled today and makes me feel confident that I will be fulfilled with him in the future.
Changing your life’s goals is never a healthy thing to do when it comes to a relationship and that is what tears apart couples so much and I think makes people pick the “singles vs. couples” side. If you’re in a happy relationship, I think it’s easier to say why you SHOULD be in a relationship because of how fulfilling it truly can be. But that doesn’t mean that we should shame those who find complete and total satisfaction in being single. That doesn’t mean those of us in relationships should look at the actions of those who are single and state whether it’s right or wrong. I truly don’t care if one of my friends would rather be single until they’re 30 or 40 years old. Or if they enjoy hooking up with a different person every week. If that is what they want, then have at it. I would rather them be honest with themselves instead of conforming to what other people say and ultimately being in a relationship when that isn’t what they want at all. Also, for those looking for a relationship, it’s not fair to go for someone who clearly has no interest in one and make them feel as though they need to change that part about them because they should be with you. Forcing someone to commit to a relationship when they aren’t in that mindset, and may never be, will only lead to failure 90% of the time.
But the same goes for single people. Shaming people for being in a relationship is no better than shaming someone for being a lifelong bachelor, or bachelorette. One thing I can not stand is that single friend who will be around someone who is in a relationship and make snide comments like, “Man you’re the lame one in a relationship. You got that ball and chain. You’re tied down. Maybe if you weren’t in a relationship, you’d be more fun.” That is in no way making you look any “cooler” for being single. Neither does saying shit like, “I don’t need a man because I got myself. I’d rather be single and not be told what to do. I’m fine alone and don’t need someone else to make me feel good.” Just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they are any less fun to be around and it certainly doesn’t mean they are weighed down by their relationship. Just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they NEED someone to make them feel complete; it doesn’t mean they are ever told what to do. A healthy relationship doesn’t make you feel weighed down or restricted in any way, so making someone who is in a healthy and happy relationship feel as though they are somewhat less of the person they were before the relationship, only speaks poorly on you and not them.
So instead, why don’t we focus on what we want from ourselves and others? Why don’t we focus on being happy with OUR choices instead of talking someone down about theirs? Why don’t we condone people for doing what is making them happy instead of telling them HOW they SHOULD be happy? And stop reading articles about what’s better and what you should be looking for in your partner. Feel comfortable in your choices. Know what you want from someone and don’t change that. And that is love advice from me, you’re welcome.