Dear Former Friend of Mine,
I know you’re probably still confused as to what made me just turn my back on our friendship and not look back. From the last text I received from you, I could tell you were both bothered by my decision and pissed off by it at the same time. I know I didn’t offer an explanation, but honestly I don’t feel as though it needed one. At times I feel like I abandoned you in your time of need, and then I remember that you didn’t necessarily need me as much as you needed anyone in general giving you reassurance and attention. I think my overly compassionate nature is the main reason I held onto our friendship for as long as I did, but a person can only have so much to give.
I can’t lie and say that you were never there for me in my time of need. There were definitely times when you had the capability to be a truly amazing and supportive friend, however your inconsistency of doing so made me angry and bitter whenever I was endlessly your crying shoulder. It was so hard to not respond to your text stating how you couldn’t deal with the way I handle thing so childishly. So badly I wanted to laugh in your face and point out the countless times you have showcased your inability to act in a mature manner, not only to me, but to pretty much anyone in your life. But I felt as though doing so would have been the childish thing to do. Also, I knew that by responding to you would only initiate you to fly off your handle and start attacking me with the secrets I have shared with you that leave me feeling most vulnerable.
That’s the thing about you. While you display yourself as a trustworthy person, any time we had an argument that would turn volatile despite my best efforts to avoid rising the beast that is your temper, you would immediately use things against me no true friend would. I can recall a time when you used my depression to try to demean me. You used the very thing I struggled with my entire life to make you feel powerful and validated in some way, something I never in a million years would have done to you. Yet, despite all of the times when you have attacked me with the most hurtful words to ever pour out of someone’s mouth that you thought you could trust, I would accept your apologies, whether it was an hour or a year later.
But, I guess that’s my own fault. That’s the thing about me, you see. It’s so hard for me to turn my back on someone even when they have hurt me to the very core. Even after you took me in when I needed you most, gave me shelter and helped me back on my feet, all it took was one day of not spending time with you to set you off and kick me out into the street. And after we apologized and became best friends again, it was never long until the next irrelevant action fired you up to the core and gave you a false sense of entitlement. You never really took the time to understand, and I guess that’s partially in fact because you never had the respect for other people that they would try to give to you. I mean, how can you expect someone to respect you when they don’t even respect their own parents?
You had a problem with jumping to conclusions instead of doing the mature thing and confronting someone about an issue that bothered you and solving it as calmly as possible. Instead of saying how you felt excluded from my life whenever I was in a relationship, you immediately would belittle me and make it seem as though I was being such an awful friend and person. However, whenever you would get into a relationship, you could turn completely M.I.A. and I never once made you feel guilty for it because I understood that you wanted to spend time with that person. I knew that didn’t mean I meant less to you. It’s because I understood, a feature you seemed to lack.
I know you’re probably thinking, “That was all in the past, we have moved along from it.” I know you’re thinking those have since been swept under the rug and we had moved on. But while I was maturing and understanding what it takes to make a friendship work, you were stuck in a mindset that would be better suited from those in high school. When a friend asks another friend for advice, being completely honest while supportive is the characteristics of a true friend. Telling you what you want to hear, when I feel a different way that I feel would benefit you did not make me an unsupportive friend to you. Any time you came to me for advice, I would give you my most sincere opinion and it was always as if it went in one ear and out the other. While I have had many other friends do that, it’s different in the sense that you never really appreciated the love and support I gave you. Instead, you took it as me attacking you and talking down on you, instead of realizing I would rather be honest because I wanted what was best for you.
My frustration began to boil when I would bend backwards for you time and time again when you were in tears, or even simply having a minor freak out, but never got the same respect from you. When things were good in your life, I never heard from you. When things were bad, and mostly due to when you were talking to a guy who hadn’t answered you in thirty minutes, you would immediately run to me and I would be there with open arms. Like I said before, there have definitely been times you were there for me, and as much as I don’t want to discredit those times, it was only ever really when things in your life were going good, otherwise I felt as though I was “stealing your thunder” and needed to shift the focus to you so I didn’t feel like a bad friend.
Last time we talked, I gave you my honest opinion on a current relationship regarding how I wish you didn’t settle for whatever they have to offer you, even if you don’t feel like what they’re offering you is enough. Last time I talked to you, I told you to please realize you can’t be with someone who wants different things than you, and by changing what you want to accommodate them will only disappoint you in the end. Last time I talked to you, you got pissed because I explained that I wanted you to be happy. Last time I talked to you, I also reassured you that as long as you were happy, I’d be happy. Last time I talked to you, that wasn’t the answer you were looking for. Last time I talked to you, I guess you wanted me to lie through my teeth about my honest opinion. And that’s why it was the last time I talked to you.
Because that’s not the kind of friend I am. That’s not the kind of friend I will ever be. If you want a friend who will butter you up with things that make you feel good instead of giving you a dose of any kind of reality, I hope you find them. I just hope you also understand that that is not a true friendship and you will forever be blinded by your delusions of the perfect world you want to live in.
Former friend, I ultimately wish the best for you. But I also wish the best for me, which is why I couldn’t stay in our volatile friendship anymore.
Your Former “Best Friend”