My body feels heavy today. Not so much in the sense that I feel heavy from the weight I’ve gained the last 5 months, but more so in the sense that I just feel as though my body is pulling me down. This isn’t something new, of course. I’ve endured this type of crippling effect for far too long to assume that I’d never have to feel it ever again. I know other people know what I am talking about; I am certain that others have also felt this at one point or another.
And it’s not even that the heavy feeling is the worst part. God, no. I think the worst part is not even knowing what it is that’s making you feel the way that you do. You know that you’re feeling it because you’re in a generally shitty and down mood, but you can’t really think of a REASON as to why. It’s not even that you necessarily feel sad, for that matter. It’s a hard feeling to describe when what you’re feeling inside can’t even really be considered a feeling since you basically feel nothing.
Have you ever just laid in bed, staring out of your window and you have not a thought in your mind? All you can really do is get lost into the trance that engulfs you and you aren’t even really looking at anything specific. You just stare outside and you hear everything going on around you but it’s as though the inner part of you that controls your movements, speech, thoughts, everything… has completely checked out of the building that is your body.
Inside you hear a voice that is telling you that you should probably get up; you should probably get dressed, or brush your hair, or get a shower, or just sit up for God’s sake. Inside you know that it’s true, but as you begin to pick yourself up, you feel like a paperweight that has no chance of moving. Your brain screams at your body to move, but your body isn’t listening. So then you just lay there… staring out your window or at your wall or the tiny piece of lint on your cover.
This is so much more than laziness. I hate when my body feels heavy.