Day Two: Describe 3 Legitimate Fears I Have and Explain How They Became Fears
This took some in depth thinking on my part; because while I have many different fears, I wanted to think about the top three that actually have or had a true impact on my life. Fears are obviously carved into who we are because of the experiences we had with them, or maybe you are just an extremely cautious person in general. Let me state now, I’m pretty fearful about the usual things: I’m afraid of insects, and other random animals that I feel are gross or relatively dangerous; I have a slight fear of the dark; I have a fear of taking tests and getting my grades back. I think we can all agree that EVERYONE (and yes even that big, bad meat head who can bench press a school bus) has at least one fear, no matter how big or small. Unless, however, you happen to be one of those people who are completely “fearless” and in which case, show me how to be like you. When I sat down and thought about what I would narrow it down to, I envisioned what would be my own personal hell. After watching American Horror Story’s third season, and seeing what happened when a person died and went to hell, I realized that which we fear the most is what will torture us if there ends up being a Heaven and a Hell. So here’s three scenarios which would be in my own little, personal hell.
I am absolutely terrified of losing my loved ones in any way, shape, or form. Whether that be having my trust betrayed and being hurt by someone I care deeply about, or losing them to something extremely tragic. I know this sounds like a pretty general fear, and more so something stemmed from my poor self image and possibly lack of confidence, but for me, this sends panic through my body at the mere thought of it. If I could picture the worst hell to be stuck in, it would be one that would involve every person I love completely breaking my heart, and leaving my life with no explanation at all… leaving me completely helpless and hopeless. On the other end of that spectrum involving those I love, I can’t bear the thought of having something horrific happen to anyone I love in an unexpected manner. There have been numerous times when I have had alarmingly realistic dreams that have left me in tears trying to piece together what is reality and what is a dream.
For example, it isn’t uncommon of me to have dreams about my amazingly caring and faithful boyfriend cheating on me and not giving a shit that I was left completely heartbroken by the situation. It’s never a dream where he cheats on me and feels great remorse, or a dream where he tries to break it to me easy that he’s leaving me for another woman; it’s always a gut wrenching nightmare that drives me crazy even an hour or so after I’ve woken up. In these dreams, he will be with me and meet another girl and begins to blatantly flirt in front of me. This usually leads my dream into creating a scenario in which he and this girl completely hit it off and he realizes that I wasn’t what he truly wanted, and instead, this new random girl is now the love of his life. In my dreams, he will carelessly flaunt her in front of me and I will fall to my knees, begging and pleading for him to stay, telling him how much I love him and I thought he loved me. I can feel the pain in my heart both in my sleep, and once I wake up. It is so much more than a nightmare.
Another example, on the opposite end of losing someone I love deeply, is dreaming or even just thinking about something terrible happening to my loved ones and family members. I once had a dream that on one of our normal family vacations, our beach house caught on fire and while every family made it out, my nephew was no where to be found. I ran back into the beach house and pulled him out, only to have the dream end in me on a boat dock, cradling my lifeless nephew in my arms as I screamed and sobbed. I woke up and felt completely shattered and couldn’t get myself under control for at least an hour. At times I will read stories about car accidents, house fires, shootings, plane crashes, ANYTHING really, and I will completely delve into these stories and try to imagine what is must be like for that family that just lost someone they probably never got to say goodbye to. My anxiety begins to rise as I envision it being my mom, my dad, my sisters, my friends.. anyone I love, and I become so fearful of it ever happening to them.
If I were sent to Hell and either of those scenarios were put on repeat for the rest of eternity, to say it would be my worst nightmare is an understatement.
Let me start off by stating: I love the open water. I love how its beauty captivates me and I can stand staring at it seemingly forever. I find creatures such as sea turtles, dolphins, and whales to be absolutely beautiful and I fear the day when the world’s ways will destroy their habitat. I love being in water, as well. But, what I can’t stand, and am legitimately terrified of, is what lurks below that water. Like I just stated, I know that open water, no matter how big or small, is habitat to a variety of different creatures; but, I can’t stand the thought of things I can’t see touching me or the possibility of an unwanted and potentially harmful creature attacking me. There are many times I envision what I would do if I were lost at sea and basically waiting to either drown, or get eaten alive by a shark or any other flesh eating animal. I think about how completely mind blowing it is that most of the ocean still hasn’t even been discovered yet because we do not have the technology capable of exploring those depths.
All I can think of is… WHAT IS DOWN THERE?! What on Earth is lurking at the bottom of that ocean floor. And if you do any researching, you’ll find some of the scariest creatures imaginable that have been discovered only as far as we have been able to explore. I know that no human body would ever make it that far, alive or dead. But my hell would be being able to survive that, somehow, and witness the terrifying darkness that lies below. The mere thought of it at this moment is sending chills throughout my entire body because I can’t imagine the anxiety I would experience if I had to suffer through that for all of eternity. The same goes for the whole ship wreck thing. If I were stuck in the middle of the sea like Tom Hanks in Castaway, you bet your ass I would have rather died on an island by myself than to risk traveling across horrific waters with the possibility of being eaten alive by God knows what. Can you just imagine?! Picture yourself: You’re floating on your raft that you either made or the one that somehow still has you safe after your shelter ceased to exist. Through the haze of the dehydration and the fatigue, you suddenly see a large shadow beneath you. As you begin to panic, you brace yourself and try to make yourself believe that it is all in your mind, and that you’ll be fine. Suddenly, you see it again and this time, your raft begins to rock uncontrollably. Out from the water appears a dorsal fin and you just know it’s not a friendly dolphin coming to save the day. A massive shark appears and it has its eyes set on you. The last thing you remember is getting a large part of your body ripped off, before suddenly, the rest is silence and nothingness.
Fucking creepy, right? Moving on…
My final, but still completely legitimate fear is “End Of The World Disasters.” If that doesn’t make any sense, I’m sorry, but allow me to explain. I live in Pennsylvania, which typically is a pretty safe state to live in when it comes to weather hazards. We go through all four seasons and while winter does bring plenty of tragedies in the sense of car accidents (bless any soul who has had a loved one die from this), we rarely, if even at all, experience weather that puts entire areas into a state of emergency (hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, wild fires). Growing up, I would see these horrible tragedies happening on the news, on TV shows, or in movies, but I had a habit of checking up on the daily weather for my area and knew I was generally safe.
Except one day that I’m sure has made this fear even more prominent in my life. When I was in elementary school, maybe third or fourth grade, our bus driver had taken us all out to McDonald’s because it was the end of the year (yeah, coolest bus driver EVER). The mood suddenly switched from carefree to panic. Our bus driver didn’t tell us anything, but explained we immediately had to be taken home. We knew that all of our parents knew where we were, so we didn’t understand why there was such a rush. Once he dropped us off in front of houses instead of at our normal bus stop, my neighbors were waiting outside because they were waiting for their kids and since my mom and step dad typically worked, they waited for us too. She immediately told me that there was a tornado warning and we needed to get inside and prepare ourselves. I instantly began freaking out and crying hysterically. All I wanted was my mom and I was so worried that she wouldn’t make it home, even though my neighbor had just told me that she was on her way home from work.
My sisters and I began packing our most valuable items (which were our teddy bears and Barbie Dolls, of course) and sat next to the TV with my mom and step dad. Shortly after, police officers began driving up and down the streets, telling each resident to get into their basements immediately. The look of outside was the craziest thing I ever experienced. The skies were dark, yet so bright. It was as if the clouds were so close that I could reach up and touch them. The wind was enough to pick me off my feet if I didn’t have myself situated enough. We ran into our basement with the dog and cat and waited impatiently for doom to take over. All I could think about was if my dad, step mom, and step sisters were safe. I became even more hysterical because my entire family and friends weren’t around and I was so worried bad things would happen to them.
Luckily, the storm passed and we did not have a tornado. However, the thought and experience latched onto me throughout my entire life. When I was younger, I wouldn’t go ANYWHERE without knowing if they had a cellar (basement). I would be struck with anxiety and panic at the thought of something terrible happening and us having no place to go. Whenever I see things on the news such as floods that took the lives and homes of so many people, the Tsunami that took place not long ago, the wild fires that turn a person’s home and life into ashes, or tornados wrecking entire towns, leaving people searching for their loved ones through the rubbish, I become instantly panicked and worry that I will have to experience such uncontrollable events in my life.
Every time I have a dream when something to this nature happens, I begin to worry that it’s a warning that it’s coming and I just have to sit and wait.